April 9, 2023

Around midnight

Sambit Sahoo

I don’t know why I’m writing this at midnight on a hot summer day. I don’t have an objective. I just felt like writing something. But to be honest, I had something in mind before doing this. Something that led me to this, something that happens to me almost every night.

It started around January of last year after we parted ways. It was painful for her. I remember her voice from that time, that sad voice and those numb eyes. It feels like she’s here, right in front of me, asking me why I was so cruel to her. I don’t have an answer. I’ve been asking myself the same question since last year. What was wrong with me? Was it ego? Yes, I think this was the reason, probably.

The realization hit me when I started feeling an emptiness. It came slowly. Before I came to my senses, I had already hit the floor. It happened every day after work. It was just me and only me. My room was pitch black, but I could still see her. Those images from college kept flashing before my eyes without even opening my gallery. She was there just a call away, but I’d lost the right. It felt like I was getting dragged into the darkness, but I didn’t bother to resist. I thought I was getting closer, but I was so wrong.

What followed right after was alcohol. Every other weekend I found myself drunk on the banks of a river not so far from my house. I was not alone. I kept drinking and crying before my friend, who was there to have a good time. I thought alcohol would help me get over her, but it backfired. I lost my senses, but I could see her. My reason for drinking changed. I yearned for that drink on the river bank which I thought took me closer to her.

It did not stop, then sometime around June, I saw one photo. It was her. Something was different about her. I looked at it for a while, she seemed happy ? I asked myself. Before I could answer, I saw it in the photo. I was so focused on her that I didn’t notice someone else was in there. I could feel my chest getting chainsawed. It was painful. I was well aware that it was wrong, but I couldn’t help myself but hate him.

I left for Bengaluru right after. The week before my departure was difficult for me mentally. That image made it clear, but I failed to accept it. “Why would I ?” I said to myself. Even though she’s with someone and she’s probably happy, it’s not wrong for me to hold onto her right? All these thoughts plagued my brain. I certainly felt like a zombie, someone without any conscience.

Bengaluru is busy and you’ve to run with it. The office helped me a lot with getting over that emptiness. Just like today, it still happens. When it happens, I give in instead of running away. It’s like a part of me now. I’d like it to stop down the road, but for now, it’s ok.

If you’re reading this and were part of this story, Thank you. It may sound a bit dramatic but I wrote what my poor vocabulary allowed me to. It may not reach her, but this is what I went through. I have my gratitude and apologies for what I received and caused. Thank you for everything, Thank you.