November 13, 2022

Impulsion is often unnecessary and negative.


Google says impulsion is “a powerful urge to do something” and I can’t agree more. I’d describe myself as an impulsive person. In the recent past, it has cost me enough on both personal and professional grounds. When I look back, a feeling of guilt hounds me of all the things that I’ve done to the surrounding people in impulsion. I’ve always wanted to write it out so that this can serve as a mirror to myself and keep reminding me to be rational.

I was with someone a while back. I had an amazing time with her. She was supportive, happy, and proud of whatever I did. We had some problems but nothing serious that could separate us. I was new to programming and pursued it day and night, without giving her the time she deserved. She also needed my support in pursuing her dreams. When things started to fall apart, I thought it won’t work between us as I didn’t have time for her. Instead of solving the issue, I ran away from it. I gave this dumb reason and parted ways with her. This impulsive decision took her away from me, someone who was dear to me.

When you belong to a joint family, you get your share of prosperity and problems. Things won’t always work your way and this is something you need to accept as an adult. A couple of months back we had a function at home. I wasn’t aware of some incidents behind it. When I came to know of them, I was outraged in impulsion. Instead of making an effort to understand, I opposed it without thinking about anything. My impulsive attitude hurt others, leaving them in agony.

Being a developer, I like to build stuff. Most of them don’t make sense but I feel overjoyed seeing them coming into life. In this process, I get emotionally connected with whatever I write. When I started writing code, I didn’t have a mentor. This forced me to figure out stuff by myself. I also acquired an attitude of defending whatever I feel is right, irrespective of the rationality of that technique. For the last couple of months, I’ve been helping to write an internal framework at work. During that time I had many debates with my CTO. I rebutted him for all the feedback he had on the framework. After I realized he was right about all the suggestions, I regretted this impulsive behavior.

Since my childhood, I’ve been cautious about spending money. When I started earning, that attitude slowly went off. I kept thinking about buying useless stuff that I never needed. While browsing social media, I’d impulsively buy something, even though I don’t need it. I could’ve saved a lot of money If I were mindful of my necessities.

I won’t say being impulsive is always negative. Being impulsive also gives you the strength to pursue your ideas with courage. Setting out to build something without thinking about the outcome can teach you a lot of things. I’ve experienced it countless times.

Even now, I’m struggling with my impulsive attitude. Being able to decide what is right or wrong is what I’m yet to acquire. When I come back to this in the future, I hope I’m a better person. To everyone I’m sorry, I’ll be a better person, and thanks for reading this.