Underachievement and hard work

It’s been almost four years since I started writing software to make a living. Six years in total if you include the early days. So, it’s somewhere around 2018 that I really began writing code. I wouldn’t call it “proper” programming, though; I mostly just threw together random web pages with HTML and CSS for a year, up until 2019.

Then I got introduced to PHP-based cPanel sites running WordPress. The first time I saw it, I thought, “This is some super advanced stuff, and learning it will make me look cool.” I rolled out those kinds of pages for a while and eventually built the early platform of github@tiaamoclothing. Doing all that felt superior.

Shortly after, I discovered new ways to build UI using the popular frontend frameworks of the time. I picked up Angular, but it wasn’t my cup of tea. I probably didn’t have the mental bandwidth yet to handle something with so many moving parts. I got tired and moved on to Vue.

I kept working with Vue until I landed my first job, where I wrote a lot of Vue. Again, it always felt like I was doing some cool, advanced stuff, though in reality, I was just one more naive engineer in a sea of many.

Then, in 2022, I joined RevenueHero, where I’ve been ever since. In this time, I’ve learned a lot across different tech stacks and seen various systems, paradigms, and patterns. It’s really reshaped my perspective on just how much is out there and how little we really know!

Why am I revisiting the past? Because each of these experiences has taught me something crucial. They’ve changed how I work and how I approach learning. I’ll get to that in a second.

Let’s go 15 years back to 2009. Imagine you’re a 25-year-old grad from a tier-3 college. After graduating, you probably had two options:

1. Join a big IT company (before they were known as the WITCH companies).
2. Go for higher studies via GATE.

Honestly, this is still true for a lot of grads in India. Back then, being an engineer and landing a job at one of those companies was an achievement. Life was simpler, and so was being a “Software Engineer.” We had “Developers,” too, but there were far fewer compared to today’s massive crowd of people who can write code and build stuff.

Which brings me to my point: becoming a “Developer” is much easier now. The internet has made it possible for anyone—even from remote places—to learn things that weren’t accessible 15 years ago. It’s created what I call “internet prodigies”: young people in school or college who already know more than what was once considered the peak.

I’ve been sincere about programming since day one. Whatever I’ve worked on or tried to learn, I’ve put in my best effort. But it never seems to be enough. No matter how hard I work, I can’t turn back time, and there’s always someone who’s ahead, who knows more, who’s younger.

Even at work, trying to do my best has often left me, or others, dissatisfied. It makes me wonder—how much hard work is enough to be the best? Do we really have to live in the shadow of the best for the rest of our careers?

Along the way, I’ve picked up some unhealthy habits. I find myself constantly hunting for new things to learn. It’s not necessarily bad, but it takes a toll on my mental space; I keep thinking about that “shiny” new thing I saw last week. I end up spending time out of my sleep, doing nothing productive with those interests.

I’ve had frequent burnouts over the past couple of years. It’s probably from taking on too much at once, both personally and professionally. But sometimes, I feel like it’s what I should be doing because I’m an underachiever, right? How much effort is enough until it’s really enough?

I know this ended on a bit of a rant, but it’s something I’ve been going through for a while. It’s why I often feel conflicted. It’ll probably take a lot of time to figure this out—but what if I exhaust my time before then?

That’s it. Thanks for reading. Just another mental dump to keep the brain running.