Push pull, abcd, 1234

I often ask myself, why are you so miserable ?

answer ?

well… It’s been like this for a while. it all started in colllege.

reader be like, ugghh, not fucking again. same college shit.

but fr, it’s been like this for a while and it’s from somewhere around 3rd year i guess ? think have talked about this somewhere. who cares ? I mean this is one way right ? lol

Throughout my life till now, I’ve been obsessive about very little things. software, her and me ? it was not a hard ask. I just had to balance my obsessions ? is it even possible ? think it was not in my case. meeting her and going down that way was one part of this tale. but soon, i broke away from that. is it wrong to treat your partner as a point of interest ? i undrstand the emotional aspect of it, but not sure why i’ve been so calculative. when I met her, and we started off after a while, four months to be excact, i’d say that’s the most focused and obsessive i’ve ever been.

men in love are mad, to an extent, it’s dangerous than drugs. not many of my peers who had someone in college are not together now, so does it mean it’s not ? or everyone has a different idea ? it’s alright. it didn’t last anyways. my obsession.

now that i think about it, it doesn’t really matter how much i whine about it, it was not genuine at first. it was not. no. I’ve been lying to myself for a long time now, it’s been 2 years man. when it started, it was attraction first ? it was a trophy ? a prize ? what was it ? i didn’t know her before, then why did it start ? for sure, it was something i wanted but looking back it was nothing from deep inside at first.

pretending something is bad. but what’s worse is accepting the pretentious you. you know you’re not this, but you just move on. but why ? why was it so interesting that you had to pretend to be someone you’re clearly not. madness.

it didn’t even take me a month to become a stan. ugghh all the things that I’ve done to assert my position. it was so , idk what. now, what happened after ? people are kind, I mean there are unkind people, but in general people are kind. but she was super kind. she accepted or i’d say she was influenced to accept ? definitely. so here it starts, push pull, abcd, 1234, bad worse and drama.

it started with a lot of unspoken rules, why unspoken, because I was well aware of her position and mine. I knew the consequences. I knew who i’d piss off, who i’d make go mad and everything else. it’s like you are friends with a minister ? right ? so what happens when obsession meets restrictions ? ummm, we all know, protest.

imagine a situation, you have a nice bike, your house is on highway (just imagine). now you can go and jet off but you can’t. why ? because there’s no key. lmao. well that’s how it was around that time. I have her, she has me, we have us, we have friends , yeah we have friends. we are friends. we roam in friends. we don’t roam. we don’t. it was bad.

no matter how much i think about now, it’d have been 100 times worse if we’re roaming around alone. I was not hotshot, not in the positive way at least. but she’s a fucking minister man, not being sarcasitic.so what happend then ? it started, i started to fight back. I was like a kid, fighting for that last bite.

now, when you’re with someone, a lot of things happen. you can shove all those things under your a… but you won’t, I didn’t. that’s what was wrong. when you’re young, which I’m till now btw, you just want to prove your point, you just want to win arguments. you want that limelight. it’s not bad, but it was not needed. you’re alive and being heard, that’s a lot already. poeple die without being heard.

so with all these, my second obsessions came into play, programming, or i’d say being with computers.

from first year only, I was into coding and shit. but it was not anything substantial. i had just seen people doing it in college and i had some interest that’s it. but I actually hit it off when we started our company and someone had to do it.

computers are fun, programming is func, making computers do what you want is fun, it’s fucking awesome to be a magician. fuck yeah. so when i though I;m doing well with her, or I though that at least, knowingly or unknowingly my focus started shifting towards coding.

what was me just doing random ass html css shit, started growing to apps, and things that actually mattered to me. it was just fun. then suddenly it happened, covid.

it’s not even a month with her and we’re home. only way of comm is what ? a small window of 6 inches that opens once in the afternoon and allows chunks of lights to pass every once in a while throughout the day. it’s not enough, it’d clearly not enough for two people who just started to… yeah.

so now I’m home, far away, alone, I have a computer, can’t go outside. so let me become dora and ask, what should I do that you can see ? yes you’re wrong, not talking to her more . I’d stay glued to my computer and ignore her. yeah.

I had a lot of time, 24 - 5 sleep - 2 rando stuff - 1-2 hrs chit chat = a lot of time to do shit on computer. I started to go all in on coding. it was not planned, it just happended, i found joy, fun and fulfillness.

but all of it came at the expense of me giving her nothing. i can clearly remember doing stuff all night, and lying to her that I’m sleeping. why did i do that ? why ? poor her. I disrespected her. it was unjust and not correct. it was not.

i’d say I had become selfish, narcisist ? am I not now ? yeah i’m still that. definitely. I started giving her reasons that I was doing it for us, for what you dumbfuck. what the fuck you’ll achieve that you’re trading her respect ? dunno, I did it. I did it and I regret it.

I don’t want to write anything further. actions have consequences. as a young adult, I can understand that better now, but couple of years back, I had a different idea. Nothing is free, nothing that you gain now is coming off easy. it’s always a trade and I’ve traded the wrong way all the time. I had many many opportunities to make it right. But what can I say, I was not the one, she was not the one, we’re not the two.

now it definitely feels like I’m some hopeless mf, well I am but I have 0 interest in these things now. i may have some longing for affection and attention from that time, along those lines, but it’s nothing I deeply care about anymore. I don’t want any of this.

From this short journey, I have gained immense financial and bibliographical wealth but I’ve lost more. I can’t go back, I can’t make things right. it’s all in the past.