Nimittamatra

There’s a certain power to clarity.

We often see people looking around, considering options, and feeling confused. Hell, I’m one of the most confused people I’ve ever known. Yet there’s a certain power in understanding who we are and where we belong.

More often than not, we get consumed by the dream of results rather than the process. The process, the path, the journey, which is perhaps the true destination, is often overlooked. We disguise results as truth. We mistake catalysts along the way for owners of the journey. The real effort, our effort, gets sidelined. The understanding that I am merely a tool of God, of the Almighty, is far more than fantasy.

I’ve been reading CASE FOR RAM: THE UNTOLD INSIDER’S STORY. It’s dramatic and far more detailed than I expected. The attention to detail, and especially the care given to every contributor who fought for Shri Ram Lalla’s rights, is commendable in itself.

Of everything in the book, what struck me the hardest were the words of Shri K. Parasaran. He repeatedly emphasized how he was merely a Nimittamatra, an instrument of God’s will, here to serve his purpose to the Almighty.

This may sound out of place here, but the clarity of Shri K. Parasaran is genuinely powerful. Having spent more than seventy-five years in the corridors of the Supreme Court and worked on more cases than I can imagine, his clarity of mind is unfathomable to me.

At ninety-two years of age, working on the most sensitive case of your career on behalf of none other than your beloved Shri Rama, his total submission to the cause is a lesson for many.

More often than not, we’ve all gone through similar situations in our adult lives. Whether it’s relationships, work, family, or simply working for a cause, the clarity that comes from becoming the tool is far more powerful than working merely to learn, acquire wealth, gain influence, or achieve something else. It opens a different door to how we perceive the world and how we experience it.

Personally, I’ve been a confused person ever since I was a child. I’ve written many times about my struggles with adulthood, with processing my childhood, my relationships, and the person I’m becoming.

When I sit and think about it, I feel the thing I’ve struggled with most is clarity.

Last year, I tried to run away from things I wasn’t able to process at work. I’ve been running away from my parents for as long as I can remember. I’ve been running away from truths I didn’t want to face, responsibilities I didn’t want to bear, and relationships I wasn’t qualified to be a part of.

In the process, I realized that I’m an extremely selfish person, and perhaps what I need most is salvation.

Being the tool liberates you from many tensions. You’re doing your part, and the result is not yours to decide.

While it sounds robotic, and perhaps even goes against our common understanding of humanity, its truth lies in the outcome.

I became friends with a few people recently. A younger version of me would have rejoiced in imagining what these friendships might eventually bring. Would they become relationships? Work opportunities? Something beneficial to me in the future?

The present me has submitted to the idea of simply doing my job, or more specifically, being the person the cause needs me to be.

At work, I try to be the best tool I can be. I’ve submitted my thoughts and my understanding of logic to the work itself. I question often and sometimes stupidly, but those questions carry a deeper purpose than mere protest.

For the friends I feel closest to, I try my best to make them feel comfortable, at home.

This may sound manipulative, but what I’m really saying is that I’m merely a tool to the cause. I’m merely a tool to the Almighty. Maybe the Almighty has put me here to serve my friends, my parents, and the people closest to me.

I do not wish to protest. I’d be happy to surrender this small life to becoming a tool.

I’m just Nimittamatra.